Stan's Annual..... "Is There A Santa Claus?"

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Posted by Stan ( on 15:54:10 12/24/07

Since I am on strike I cannot write any new material, so on with the re-runs and repeats!


As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research
help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine Stan Central is pleased to present its annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus. Please consider the seven following facts:

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000
species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of
these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out
flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
BUT since Santa is not Politically Correct, and doesn't (appear) to handle the
Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the
workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population
Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per
household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least
one good child in each home.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he
travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to
822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian
household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to
park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the
stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back
into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each
of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth
(unlikely, but for the purposes of our calculations we will
accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total
trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting rest stops. This means
that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times
the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest
man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at 27.4
miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles
per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego
set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting
Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land,
conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even
granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES
the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.
We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not
even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again,
for comparison - this is four times the weight of the QE-2.

5) 353,430 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates
enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the
same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The
lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of
energy. Per second. Each. This will cause them to burst into
flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them,
and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire
reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a
second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces
17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (not
counting stash of Slim Fast cans, and treats from good children) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

6) In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas
Eve, he's vaporized.

7) Or perhaps he is just magic....Yes the other possibility is: Santa has powers that we just do not understand. I personally subscribe to the magic theory. Besides, without some magic in our lives.....what else is left.

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