Posted by jsmith on July 03, 04 at 09:50:36:
In Reply to: Post Tab 4 dialup. nm posted by jsmith on July 03, 04 at 09:46:12:
(I think I know Uncle Klank or some of his relatives)
Y'all have a good Holiday where ever you are.
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4th of July BBQ tip
Here are some BBQ tips straight from the cookbook of old Uncle Klank
Preparation: Step 1
Kill something, the secret to a good BBQ is a fresh kill, I either use one of my guns or my pickup truck. I have found that the more violent the death, the better the meat, something to do with the blood pumping or such.
When choosing something to kill, bigger is always better, I find the night prior is a good time to look for the main course, I load up two or three of my favorite rifles and put them in my easy rider rifle rack, I bring a hand gun along also because you never know and if I even have to mention a cooler full of beer. (Note: alcohol and firearms go together like peanut butter and jelly) Don’t forget to take the covers off the 1 million candle power spotlights on your truck, if you do forget, you can also do it when you stop to pee along side the road.
Meat guide:
Deer: Good choice, better to hunt at night
Cow: Good meat, not much sport to kill, hard to load the whole thing drunk, remember to bring chainsaw (Note: that alcohol and chainsaws go together like milk and cookies)
Raccoon: Ok if you know how to cook it, make sure to center with the truck, if you hit it with the wheels and flatten it cooks to fast
Possum: Good if you can hit a group of them, not much meat alone
Horse: A little tough for my liking but will due in a pinch or if your beer is running low
Chicken: Is always good at a BBQ, I try to get them early before I get to drunk to sneak in to the coop, put them in a big bag and take back home alive, it’s a lot of fun to have the kids throw them in the air after you yell “PULL” and blast them to hell (Note: be careful not to shoot your dogs if they are down range)
Although the man must select and prepare the meat, your wife has some important task to complete also, send her to the store for the following:
Beer – 2 cases per guest
Hard liquor – 1 bottle per guest
Charcoal - 14 bags
Ammunition – as needed to replenish stock and if you save some chickens for later
Gasoline – 5 gallons to start grill
Toilet paper – 2 rolls per woman that will come over (not sure why but damn they go through that stuff)
Soda – 3 can per kid
Chips – 1 bag of what’s on sale for kids
Hot dogs and buns – 1 per kid
(Note: if on a budget delete items for kids and get toilet paper from a gas station or work)
Make sure wife has time to cut, split, and soak wood for the smoker
After meat has been selected it’s a good thing to pass out for a while on the couch so you will be fresh in the morning
Step 2
It’s important to get an early start as to allow plenty of drinking time prior to having to eat and dilute your buzz.
First get a beer on your way to your pickup, remove main course from the bed (have the kids wash the blood off the bumper and in the bed in case someone is looking for there stock) Generally it is a good idea to remove feet, fur, feathers, guts, nuts, and head from main dish prior to cooking and wash down with garden hose (can’t be to careful with meat) and cover with tarp in back yard (Check for dog sh#t prior to placing meat on ground)
Step 3
By now you should have at least a six-pack under your belt and its time to start the fire (Note alcohol and fire go together like bread and butter) place three bags of charcoal in side box of grill, pour all five gallons of gas on charcoal and let soak for one minute, give book of matches to one of your children (you normally only get one grill lighting per child unless they are really stupid) Open fresh beer to celebrate the lighting of the grill and have child light grill.
After hosing down the child, have wife take empty gas can with her on her way to the ER with child to fill up incase fire goes out. This will also give you some “Quiet Time” to drink and reflect your many blessings.
Seeing the black mushroom cloud of smoke should alert your buddies that the lighting ceremony is over and it is now time to come over and drink. You will have a good bed of coals in no time at all and you should have a few buddies over by now to help lift meat onto grill. (Make sure your buddies wash their hands, can’t be too careful with meat) Place several pieces of soaked wood on bed of coals, soon your grill will be at “Full Smoke”
Step 4
For the next six to eight hours you need to monitor your grill closely, turn meat every hour (about five beers) and also keep an eye on the smoke, generally if you can start to see your neighbors house it is time to add more wood. Also, stay clear of the hard liquor until at least noon, you should keep a clear head while cooking.
When your wife returns from the hospital, you may allow your buddy’s wives come over also, unless really built, women should stay in the house, after all cooking is mans work. They are allowed and required to make all the other stuff to eat, mostly for them and the kids. (Deviled eggs are the exception, good beer food)
Step 5
As the sun is starting to set your feast is now ready, remove from grill and place on an appropriate platter (the plastic lid to the 50 gallon trash can works good for large portions) Take meat into house and place on table, at this point you and your buddies are way to drunk to eat, return to chair outside as all your wives are now not only hungry, but pissed
Happy 4th