Posted by Fat Boy on October 22, 1999 at 00:30:11:
Here's a little something I wrote last year... Thought y'all might get a kick out of it.
Fat Boy
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Fifty ways my Suburban is better than my wife:
1. My Sub has a perfect body.
2. If ever my Subs body gets disfigured, I can take it into the shop at my leisure.
3. I can drive my Sub all day and all night if I want to.
4. But it doesn't mind if I just want to watch football.
5. My Sub only takes a couple of minutes to get warmed up, even on the coldest winter nights.
6. My Sub has never griped about me taking out the trash, or made me clean the garage.
7. My Sub won't pick fights with bigger trucks and expect me to handle it.
8. My Sub has never been in an accident.
9. My Sub won't get mad if I drive another truck.
11. My Sub wouldn't mind having bigger headlights.
10. My Sub doesn't call me at work.
12. Nobody else can drive my Sub without my permission.
13. My Sub looks good in a black leather bra.
14. I don't need to ask my Subs permission to stay out late with the guys - it'll even go with me if I want it to.
15. My Sub has never interrupted a major sporting event with a plea for attention.
16. My Sub doesn't hog the covers - it has its own.
17. My Sub doesn't leek any icky fluids.
18. I can plow my Sub into a snowbank without worrying about retaliation.
19. Other men drool over my Sub.
20. My Sub will never leave me for a younger driver.
21. The roar of a big engine is always better than the roar of a big wife.
22. I can make the tires squeel EVERY time.
23. My Sub has never left me standing on the side of the road in a bad neighborhood.
24. It's a good thing when my Sub has gas.
25. My Sub doesn't care if we're lost, and it never makes me stop to ask directions.
26. My Sub will go as fast or as slow as I want to.
27. Piston rings are cheaper than diamond rings.
28. My Sub has FOUR headlights!!!
29. My Sub doesn't mind being parked in a wet spot all night.
30. My Sub came with air bags, my wife came with in-laws.
31. My Sub was NEW when I got it.
32. My Sub has no emotional scarring from being neglected as a small truck.
33. My Sub came with an owner/operators manual.
34. Body lift kit for the Sub: $90 - Lift and tuck for the Wife: $6000!
35. I won't get arrested for punching my Subs lights out.
36. My Sub has never done anything to make me WANT to punch it's lights out.
37. It's perfectly legal to have more than one Sub.
38. A big Sub is socially acceptable.
39. My Sub doesn't mind ropes and chains.
40. My Sub will let me listen to whatever music I want to.
41. When I want my Sub to "get up and go" it does.
42. SLIDE OUT CUP HOLDERS!!!
43. My Sub wouldn't be offended by a "Fifty ways my Wife is better than my Chevy Subruban" list.
44. My Sub has never accused me of paying too much for my wife.
45. My Sub has never been jealous of a smaller truck.
46. At least my Sub doesn't CLAIM to know how to cook.
47. My Sub can carry 12+ kegs of beer.
48. My Sub lets ME control the air conditioner.
49. If ever I decide to trade my Sub in on a newer sleeker model, it won't take half my stuff. In fact, it'll help me
pay for the new one.
50. My Sub only costs $650 a month! - And only for FIVE YEARS!!!
No, I don't have a brand new Subruban yet, but one day, it will be mine. Oh Yes, it will be mine... Until then, I'll just
have to make due with the old one...